Oh Lord, this isn't easy. I thought I would sit down and put some of my thoughts about my father's death and the days after here on my blog. I've had many of you email me to find out if I was alright... well... No I'm not alright, I'm in a lot of pain, my heart hurts and it feels like someone has kicked me right in the stomach.
Daddy passed away so very peaceful and I cried, but during the funeral and cleaning his apartment I was in full on "work" mode! But now I just want to wake myself up from this terrible dream, oh Lord please! My thoughts seem to be bumping into each other and I can't get anything done. I am struggling with the proper attitude I should have, and being angry, depressed and just plain sad!
I should be happy, happy for all the time I had with my dad, to get to know him and have wonderful memories with him. But then I also have some really horriable memories and I found that I really didn't know my dad at all. I should take comfort in the fact that I've been given so many memories and blessing with him, and now since my father accepted the Lord, then I now know that he is healthy and whole again with the Father. But I'm not... I am sad, angry and I have this intense sorrow that feels like someone has amputated my leg or arm and it is bleeding out!
And maybe it feels so horriable because of the death of my mother only 2 months ago. I really wasn't ready for all of this, I had no choices to make when my dad or mom was in the hospital. My mom & I weren't close, and my brother was in charge of all of things with her. My dad took me off of everything and put his ex-girlfriend in charge, and really I had no say in anything. I mean I put my 2 cents worth in, but if she didn't want to do it, she didn't. And really I am not too upset with that, I had the chance to greive and cry and she handled all the other stuff! It feels like at the end he rejected me... a friend told me to look at it that he loved me so much he didn't want to force me to choose to take him life support or anything like that. He said it was because he didn't want any fighting when he died.
Daddy passed away so very peaceful and I cried, but during the funeral and cleaning his apartment I was in full on "work" mode! But now I just want to wake myself up from this terrible dream, oh Lord please! My thoughts seem to be bumping into each other and I can't get anything done. I am struggling with the proper attitude I should have, and being angry, depressed and just plain sad!
I should be happy, happy for all the time I had with my dad, to get to know him and have wonderful memories with him. But then I also have some really horriable memories and I found that I really didn't know my dad at all. I should take comfort in the fact that I've been given so many memories and blessing with him, and now since my father accepted the Lord, then I now know that he is healthy and whole again with the Father. But I'm not... I am sad, angry and I have this intense sorrow that feels like someone has amputated my leg or arm and it is bleeding out!
And maybe it feels so horriable because of the death of my mother only 2 months ago. I really wasn't ready for all of this, I had no choices to make when my dad or mom was in the hospital. My mom & I weren't close, and my brother was in charge of all of things with her. My dad took me off of everything and put his ex-girlfriend in charge, and really I had no say in anything. I mean I put my 2 cents worth in, but if she didn't want to do it, she didn't. And really I am not too upset with that, I had the chance to greive and cry and she handled all the other stuff! It feels like at the end he rejected me... a friend told me to look at it that he loved me so much he didn't want to force me to choose to take him life support or anything like that. He said it was because he didn't want any fighting when he died.
I have some wonderful friends and family, that have just rallied around me and lifted me up and prayed for me. Thanks. :)
7 comments:
Sherry, I'm so sorry for your loss. It is one of the most difficult things to do, I'm sure. I have not had to bury a parent, but did assist with my in-laws. So I know how it can be.
I think your father took you off of everything so that you would not have to be burdened with any of the pressures of what to do. He was thinking ahead. I'm sure its hard to say goodbye especially if you are close. I'm am thinking of you and keeping you in my prayers.
So sorry you are feeling sad sweetie! Know your daddy is with the Lord and loved ones! Hugs for you!
I know, its hard, I lost my dad 15 years ago, but there are days when it all comes back. Be assured, it will get better with time.
You've been hit hard with losing both your parents, and it is okay and needful to grieve.
Having the opportunity to talk helps. I know that is what I wanted to do after my dad died.
One thing our previous pastor taught us was... don't just pray "God give me strength" instead ask "God be my strength"
When I was at my darkest moments of depression in the months after my dad's death, I felt like I was in a deep dark hole, and I had a vision (not prophet style, but more word picture style) of God not reaching into the hole to pull me out, but of Him in the hole to lift me out. And it truly helped, and was my last bout of depression like that.
Blessings to you and your family.
Oh, sweetie! I'm so sad for you--I cannot imagine how you feel--but I think you're feeling exactly like you're supposed to--don't feel bad for not getting over this as quick as other people think you should--it is OKAY to take time to grieve and hurt--pain is what makes life real and what shows you and those around you how important your father's life was--take your time and don't feel you have to rush or hold your head up for anyone else's sake. I know you have Jesus and your joy will return in HIS time. The best advice I ever had was my friend who told me not to let anyone else belittle what was going on in my life. I know you've gone through a tremendous amount of pain in way too short an amount of time. You will make it through! We are here for you, Sherry!
I am so praying for you! Please remember- Jesus wept at the tomb of Lazerus...He knew how it would turn out, and He wept anyway. Christians are allowed to cry, we are allowed to grieve, and we are allowed to mourn! God did many times throughout the Bible.
Just wanted to let you know I'm thinking of you and sending (((hugs))) your way...
Dear one,
I am so sorry for the loss of your daddy here on earth. I am thinking of you right now at 11:31 PM Pacific time zone. I just pray to the Father, our El Shaddai, that His blessing and covering will be on you to get you through this very difficult time. You are loved with an everlasting love...Blessing,s Keleia
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